


thou shall not kill

by WhyWhyNot



Series: Three Wise Monkeys [5]
Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: Ableism, Blanket Permission, Child Abuse, Child Murder, Child Torture, Dysfunctional Family, Falling out, Forced Self-harm, Fucked Up, Gen, Growing Up, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Child Sexual Abuse, Non-Consensual Blood Drinking, Very Dysfunctional Family, Vigilantism, non-consensual cannibalism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-22
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2019-11-03 23:29:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17887169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhyWhyNot/pseuds/WhyWhyNot
Summary: Matt grows up.Begins in the cages and continues until the end of S1Matt doesn't kill the warden.





	1. Chapter 1

• Matt doesn't kill the warden.

• (There's other things before that. Trying to do the right thing. The cop's betrayal. Dad's death, and his own kidnapping. _No good deed goes unpunished. Sometimes, the people meant to protect you are the one who sell you to monsters. Bad things happen to good people._ But they don't count, because they're not deliberate choices made with a clear idea of the consequences.)

• So. Matt doesn't kill the warden.

• (Matt _hates_ the warden, like blood on his tongue and sharp metal in his stomach. But he doesn't kill him.)

• (He doesn't, because there's Dad who is his Father, who was an good man, and didn't want Matt to fight.)

• (He doesn't, because there's God who is everyone's Father, who once said 'thou shall not kill'.)

• (He doesn't, because there's the man who want to be called Father, who locked Matt in a cage and told him to kill a man, and Matt doesn't want to do as this man ask, doesn't want to be what this man wish.)

• Matt doesn't kill the warden, but he does call the man 'Father'.

• (Matt is tired and hurt and cold, and the man doesn't ask him to kill anymore, and Matt wants _out_ , Matt wants _out of the cage_ )

• (Matt calls him 'Father', but not Dad. He only has one Dad, and he's dead.)

• And Matt obeys to Father, again and again, because if he doesn't it only makes things worse.

• (When Father first orders Matt to whip Lola, ten strikes on her nake back, he refuses. Father gives her fifteen strikes, harder than Matt's starved body could have managed, and Matt never makes this mistake again.)

• And Matt obeys to Father, again and again, when asked to fight and to hurt Lola and to turn the knives against himself, because if he doesn't it only makes things worse.

• (Matt hates it. Like fire in his stomach and razorblades between his teeth.)

• (Lola's blood in his mouth is _wrong wrong wrong_ , thick and sticky and cold and half-congealed. But he smiles to comfort her, and there's a smile in her voice when she tells him they are siblings, which promises him everything will be okay.)

• Everything is _not_ okay.

• Everything is not okay, because one night _Father_ hears Matt praying, and wants him to _stops_ , and something inside of Matt _breaks._

• 'Our Lord who art in Heaven'

• (Father tells Matt to stop.)

• 'Hallowed be thy name'

• (Father grabs Matt and drags him to the kitchen.)

• 'Thy kingdom comes'

• (Lola is making tea.)

• 'Thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven'

• (The water is boiling in the kettle.)

• 'Give us this day our daily bread'

• (Father rips off Matt's shirt and orders Lola to pour the water down his back.)

• 'And forgive us our trespasses'

• (Matt _burns_.)

• 'As we forgive those who trespass against us'

• (And the world on fire flares and dies with the pain.)

• 'And do not lead us into temptation'

• (Matt is burning, but he doesn't kneel and he doesn't stop and he doesn't even stutter, and the outcome is worth the pain.)

• 'But deliver us from evil.'

• (Matt wins.)

• Matt keeps praying after that, but silently. He won. There's no reason to keep up this fight until he loses it.

• (Murdock always get back up, but that doesn't mean they have to pointlessly throw themselves to the ground.)

• And then there's meat, with a taste new but strangely familiar, until the pieces click together and _oh, that's what happened to the man in the basement_ and _I just ate a person_ ,

and swallowing the sickness and the taste of flesh going back up his throat.

• And then there's Nelly.

• And then there's the fire.

• And then, Matt is in an orphanage.

• And now Matt is kneeling beside his bed, trying to tell an 'Our Father', but the word 'Father' stays in his throat, bloated with blood and a sickly-sweet voice.

• (Matt remplaces every 'Father' by 'Lord' and hopes God doesn't mind)

• And now Matt is trying to eat but the meat tastes like human flesh and Matt swallows back his nausea once more.

• (Matt refuses to eat meat and the nuns scold him for being a picky eater, and guilt takes the place of sickness in the pit of his stomach.)

• Bullies lock him in the laundry room and Matt panics, flashes of the cages in his head like sirens and fire alarms.

• (After the nuns let him out, Matt learns how to pick locks, and swears to himself that he will never let anyone cage him again.)

• And now Matt has a roommate, and they're becoming friends, and he tries to pretend to be 'normal'.

• (Thank you Foggy, but no, I really don't like meat _and that's not a lie, even if it's not the whole truth_.)

• (No, Foggy, I don't really like closed spaces _and that's not a lie either_.)

• (Come on Foggy, it's not that bad _you ate five hours ago, not five days, you're not really starving, stop using words you don't understand_.)

• (I have a very good hearing _understated, misleading, but still not a lie_.)

• (That's the good thing with assuming. It may make an ass out of Foggy and Matt, but it means Matt doesn't have to _lie_ , only to mislead and to keep silent.)

• Landman & Zack. Isn't even close to the worse Matt had to live through. And he met worse, morally speaking. But still.

• (Landman & Zack. The nights are full of cries and prayers, and Matt is in a cage again. But this time, the bars are made of his own conscience, and the Devil is holding the key.)

• (Matt in the cage, the Devil out.)

• (It doesn't count, because the Devil has the key, and the Devil is Matt.)

• Karen is nice. Brave and funny and stubborn. Matt is happy she's staying. With time, Matt thinks they could be friends.

• Claire is nice, too, in a stern, no-nonsense way, even if she meets the Devil before meeting _Matt Murdovk_ , and she helps and she _understand_ , and Matt almost presents her to Foggy and Karen.

• (He doesn't. It doesn't feel fair, somehow.)

• (Bringing the little boy back to his dad feels like beating more than just the russians, feels like finally scoring a true victory against Father.)

• (Too bad none of these happened while he was still alive.)

• And then, the russians _burn_ , and Hell's Kitchen burns with them.

• And Matt is fighting against Fisk, and Fisk is fighting against the Devil, and it feels like fighting a loosing battle.

• (Matt is used to loosing battles.)

• Mrs Cardenas dies, and the Devil screams for blood, and for the first time since the warden's death, Matt wants to kill someone.

• Matt would have killed someone, too, if Nobu hadn't slipped on the wet ground, just enought for his oil-soaked sleeve to catch fire at a candle.

• (But Nobu slips on the wet ground, just enought for his oil-soaked sleeve to catch fire at a candle.)

• (He screams like the little girl screamed, like Father screamed, like _Nelly_ screamed.)

• Nobu slips on the wet ground, just enought for his oil-soaked sleeve to catch fire at a candle, and screams, and Matt _freezes_.

• Matt freezes, and then he grabs Nobu and throws the both of them through the window, and hopes the water will drown the flames.

• (It does.)

• It does, but when Matt drags him out of the Hudson, Nobu is barely breathing.

• (The hospital is not an option.)

• Matt calls Claire, and drags Nobu to his home, ignoring his own injuries, and then Nobu's heart _stops_.

• Matt's world narrow down to one single thing while he desesperatly tries CPR.

• (It doesn't work, and Foggy walks in on Matt dressed as the Devil, blood on his hands and a dead man at his feet.)

• Foggy is still screaming at Matt when Claire comes in, and now that he's not focused on Nobu, he's starting to feel dizzy from the blood loss.

• Claire gets Foggy to somewhat calm down, and confirms Nobu's death, and stitches Matt up, and calls Santino, because they need to get rid of the body, and Foggy is too shocked and Matt too hurt and she can't do it alone.

• (Matt likes Claire, and appreciates her pragmatism, but in this moment, she almost reminds her of _Lola_.)

• Matt tries to explain his senses, and the children praying in the night, and all Foggy says is _so you're not really blind_ and _you're just looking for an excuse to hit someone_ and _I actually felt sorry for you_ and he _doesn't understand_.

• And then Foggy asks how Matt learnt to fight and the words stay stuck in his throat, because ~~he doesn't want to remember~~ ~~Foggy wouldn't understand and Matt doesn't think he can bear it~~ ~~he's already on the verge of a panic attack~~ it's personal, and he doesn't owe this to anyone, not even Foggy.

• (Something _breaks_ in their friendship this night, and Matt knows it can never be the same again.)

• (It's not only Matt's fault.)

• In the end, Foggy doesn't give Matt, and Claire and Santino, to the police, which is good.

• (But Foggy and Matt don't reconcile either, and Nelson & Murdock slowly drifts and tears apart despite Fisk's defeat.)

• ( _Defeat_ , not death. Nobu... Nobu was a hell of a wake up call.)

• (Matt built himself on not killing. For six years, it was one of the very, very few things that made him more than Father's puppet. Fire and bombs or not, it's not something he can afford to lose.)

• Matt loses Foggy, and Karen too, and it breaks his heart. But he has Claire, and Santino insists that they should celebrate their victory with a pie.

• The three of them eat the pie in Claire's Kitchen. It's not Nelson & Murdock, not Karen's banter and Foggy's easy rambling, but Claire laughts without blood and Santino's pie is more sweet than bitter, and Matt thinks they will be alright.


	2. Chapter 2

Dad, Father, God, and Matt


End file.
